培养自尊自信孩子的十个方法
树立学龄前儿童的自尊心和自信心好像应该是父母的责任，其实，这更是一笔令孩子终身受益的财富。孩子对自我价值的肯定对其长大后勇于尝试新鲜事物起着奠基作用。“自尊来源于从属感、能够肯定自己的能力、并且了解自己的付出是有价值的。”加州的家庭教育专家简.奈尔森如是说。
“大家都知道，自尊自信是瞬间体验”奈尔森说。“有时候我们自我感觉良好，也有时候感觉自己很糟糕。家长真正需要教孩子的是一些人生经验和技巧，例如如何恢复自信。”做家长的目标是要保证你的孩子成长为一个自尊、自信，并且勇于接受生活的挑战的人（对于学龄前儿童来说，这挑战也许只是正确地写出大写字母）。以下是十个简单方法来培养孩子的自尊心和自信心：
无条件的爱。
孩子的自尊心根植于父母没有附加条件的爱——“无论你是谁，无论你做什么事情，我都爱你”。当父母完全接受他们的孩子，他的优点和缺点、他的脾气性格、他的能力大小，这个时候作为孩子是收益最多的。因此，请做父母的用爱包容孩子，经常拥抱他，亲吻他，拍拍他的肩膀鼓励他。另外别忘了告诉他你有多爱他。当父母必须修正孩子的行为时，要清楚地告诉他，是他的行为（而不是他本人）不可接受。例如：应该说：“你这样推嘉宝可不好，他可能会受伤的。以后别再推别人了。”而不要说：“你真淘气！你怎么就不能乖一点？”
关注
挤出时间聆听孩子的心事，这对树立孩子的自尊很有必要，因为你此时给孩子的信息是“你对我很重要，你的话很有价值。”这并不需要很多时间才能做到。这也许只意味着停下手中的活儿听听孩子想说什么，或者关掉正在看的电视来认真回答一个问题。看着孩子的眼睛，让他能感觉到你在注意听他说的话。如果时间紧张，要让孩子知道你现在没有时间但是你不会忽略他的需要。这样说：“告诉我你画的画儿是什么意思，等你说完了，妈妈还要去做晚饭。”
划定界限
给孩子制定几条合理的规矩。例如，如果你告诉孩子他必须在餐厅吃零食，第二天就别让他拿着饼干和水果在客厅转悠；如果你告诉他要把脏衣服放在洗衣篮里，就别说把衣服堆在地下也可以。知道家里的规矩是不能变通的会让孩子更有安全感。在家长来说，这些规矩也许需要重复很多遍，但是孩子会很快习惯并且不负家长的期望。做家长的一定要把规矩说清楚并且坚持不能变通，还要让孩子知道你信任他，相信他会做正确的事情。
鼓励尝试和冒险
鼓励孩子去经历一些新鲜事物，比如尝尝不同的食物，找个好朋友，或者学骑自行车。虽然做任何事情都有可能失败，但是没有风险哪里会有成功的机会。让孩子在安全前提下多去经历，不要动不动就去干涉。例如，当孩子在摆弄一个新玩具时，遇到点麻烦，不要“救”他。更不要跳起来说：“我来弄。”这会挫伤孩子的独立性和自信心。家长需要在保护孩子和让孩子大胆尝试两方面取得平衡，这样才能有效地树立孩子的自信心。
允许犯错
当然了，让孩子有选择的权力以及尝试冒险会带来一些负面影响——孩子会犯错误。这些在树立孩子的自尊和自信方面其实会给孩子带来非常可贵的经验。如果你的孩子把盘子放到桌沿、盘子掉在地上了，鼓励他去想想他下次该怎样做盘子才不会掉在地上。这么做孩子的自尊心不会受到打击，他同时也能体会到有时候犯错误也是可以接受的。如果你自己把事情弄糟了，承认它。家长承认错误并且改正错误的行为本身会给孩子发出一个强烈信号——这会令孩子更容易接受他自己的缺点。
正面鼓励
每个人对鼓励都会积极回应，因此家长需要想办法提醒孩子每天做了哪些好事。例如，告诉他爸爸：“佳佳把晚饭要吃的菜都洗了。”你的赞扬和爸爸衷心的回应会让他非常受用。表扬的时候一定要有针对性。不要只说“干得不错！”，而是该说：“谢谢你这么耐心地排队。”这会让孩子有更大的成就感、体现他的自我价值，并且让他知道他到底哪一点做得好。
注意聆听
如果孩子需要跟你谈心，停下来好好听他说什么。他需要知道他的想法、感受、渴望和意见对你很重要。孩子情绪激动时，可以帮他表达他的感受，让他平静下来。告诉他：“我明白你心里很难过，因为你要和学校的好朋友说再见了。”接受孩子的情绪，而不要加以评判，确认他的感受并让他感到他在你心里很有分量。如果你也把自己的感受分享给他（“一想到要去动物园我就高兴。”），他以后就会很自信地表达自己的感受。
拒绝攀比
“你为什么不能多学学你姐姐？”“你为什么不能像彼得那么乖？”此类评语只会给孩子负面的提醒，使他觉得羞愧、嫉妒、学会攀比。就算是正面的表扬，诸如“这么多孩子里你最能干！”也会对孩子造成潜在的破坏性影响。因为孩子会觉得保持这种状态压力非常大。如果孩子知道你对他的赞赏只是因为他自己做得好，他会更趋于肯定自己的价值。（落叶评语：做到这一点对中国家长来说十分有挑战性。我们从小生活在竞争激烈的环境，攀比如家常便饭。且不说学校的考试排名榜、老师的评语、家长的数落多么打击孩子的自尊心，就连孩子没有在脸上表现出羞愧也会成为一条批评的理由。这样的环境不利于孩子健康成长。）
同情理解
如果你的孩子将自己的短处与他人的长处相比觉得很受打击（“我怎么不能像薮菲那样接到球呢？”），家长要向孩子表达同情同时强调他的长处。比如说：“是啊，薮菲接球很棒。你画画很棒。”这可以教孩子明白我们都有优点和缺点，我们不用处处都做到完美才能自己对自己感到满意。
鼓励
每个孩子都需要从父母那里得到这些信号：“我信任你，我知道你在努力，再接再厉！”鼓励意味着肯定过程，而不是一味奖励成果。当你的孩子费劲地扣按扣时，应该说：“真能干！自己在扣按扣呢！马上就能扣好了。”而不是说：“不是这样扣的，我来扣吧。”
表扬和鼓励是有区别的。前者针对事情后者针对人（
“干得好！”是表扬，“我真为你骄傲”是鼓励）。表扬会让孩子感觉如果他做了一件特别完美的事情他就是个“好”孩子。鼓励呢，是对他“努力”本身的赞赏。“给妈妈讲讲你的画吧。我看出来你喜欢紫色。”比这样说更有帮助“这可是我见过的最漂亮的画了！”太多的表扬反而会削弱孩子的自尊和自信，因为它会令孩子感到压力（需要一直表现出色），还会给孩子增加一种心理需要，就是不断地得到别人的肯定。因此，请审慎地给孩子予表扬而慷慨地给孩子予鼓励。这会令孩子长大成为一个自尊自信的人。
Ten ways to build your child's self-esteem
by Sarah Henry
[来自BabyCenter 网站]
Nurturing your preschooler's self-esteem may
seem like a hefty responsibility. After all, a feeling of self-worth lays the
foundation for your preschooler's future as he sets out to try new things on his
own. "Self-esteem comes from having a sense of belonging, believing that we're
capable, and knowing our contributions are valued and worthwhile," says
California family therapist Jane Nelsen, co-author of the Positive
Discipline series.
"As any parent knows, self-esteem is a fleeting
experience," says Nelsen. "Sometimes we feel good about ourselves and sometimes
we don't. What we're really trying to teach our kids are life skills like
resiliency." Your goal as a person is to ensure that your child develops pride
and self-respect — in himself and in his cultural roots — as well as faith in
his ability to handle life's challenges (for a preschooler that may mean copying
capital letters accurately). Here are ten simple strategies to help boost your
child's self-esteem:
Give unconditional love. A child's
self-esteem flourishes with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says,
"I love you, no matter who you are or what you do." Your child benefits the most
when you accept him for who he is regardless of his strengths, difficulties,
temperament, or abilities. So lavish him with love. Give him plenty of cuddles,
kisses, and pats on the shoulder. And don't forget to tell him how much you love
him. When you do have to correct your child, make it clear that it's his
behavior — not him — that's unacceptable. For instance, instead of
saying, "You're a naughty boy! Why can't you be good?" say, "Pushing Gabriel
isn't nice. It can hurt. Please don't push."
Pay
attention. Carve out time to give your preschooler your undivided
attention. That does wonders for your child's self-worth because it sends the
message that you think he's important and valuable. It doesn't have to take a
lot of time; it just means taking a moment to stop flicking through the mail if
he's trying to talk with you or turning off the TV long enough to answer a
question. Make eye contact so it's clear that you're really listening to what
he's saying. When you're strapped for time, let your child know it
without ignoring his needs. Say, "Tell me all about the picture you drew, and
then when you're finished, I'll need to make our dinner."
Teach
limits. Establish a few reasonable rules for your preschooler. For
instance, if you tell your child he has to eat his snack in the kitchen, don't
let him wander around the family room with his crackers and fruit the next day.
Or if you tell him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, don't say
it's okay to pile them on the floor. Knowing that certain family rules are set
in stone will help him feel more secure. It may take constant repetition on your
part, but he'll start to live by your expectations soon enough. Just be clear
and consistent and show him that you trust him to do the right
thing.
Support healthy risks. Encourage your child to
explore something new, such as trying a different food, finding a best pal, or
riding a bike. Though there's always the possibility of failure, without risk
there's little opportunity for success. So let your child safely experiment, and
resist the urge to intervene. For instance, try not to "rescue" him if he's
showing mild frustration at figuring out a new toy. Even jumping in to say,
"I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence. You'll
build his self-esteem by balancing your need to protect him with his need to
tackle new tasks.
Let mistakes happen. The flip side, of
course, of having choices and taking risks is that sometimes your child is bound
to make mistakes. These are valuable lessons for your child's confidence. So if
your child puts his plate too close to the edge of the table and it tips,
encourage him to think about what he might do differently next time. That way
his self-esteem won't sag and he'll understand that it's okay to make mistakes
sometimes. When you goof up yourself, admit it, says Daniel Meier, assistant
professor of elementary education at San Francisco State University.
Acknowledging and recovering from your mistakes sends a powerful message to your
child — it makes it easier for your child to accept his own
shortcomings.
Celebrate the positive. Everyone responds
well to encouragement, so make an effort to acknowledge the good things your
child does every day within his earshot. For instance, tell his dad, "Joshua
washed all the vegetables for dinner." He'll get to bask in the glow of your
praise and his dad's heartening response. And be specific. Instead of saying
"Good job," say, "Thank you for waiting so patiently in line." This will enhance
his sense of accomplishment and self-worth and let him know exactly what he did
right.
Listen well. If your child needs to talk, stop
and listen to what he has to say. He needs to know that his thoughts, feelings,
desires, and opinions matter. Help him get comfortable with his emotions by
labeling them. Say, "I understand you're sad because you have to say bye to your
school pals." By accepting his emotions without judgment, you validate his
feelings and show that you value what he has to say. If you share your own
feelings ("I'm excited about going to the zoo"), he'll gain confidence
expressing his own.
Resist comparisons. Comments such as
"Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Why can't you be nice like Peter?"
will just remind your child of where he struggles in a way that fosters shame,
envy, and competition. Even positive comparisons, such as "You're the best
player" are potentially damaging because a child can find it hard to live up to
this image. If you let your child know you appreciate him for the unique
individual he is, he'll be more likely to value himself
too.
Offer empathy. If your child compares himself
unfavorably to his siblings or peers ("Why can't I catch a ball
like Sophia?"), show him empathy and then emphasize one of his strengths. For
instance, say, "You're right. Sophia is good at catching. And you're good at
painting pictures." This can help your child learn that we all have strengths
and weaknesses, and that he doesn't have to be perfect to feel good about
himself.
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the
kind of support from loved ones that signals, "I believe in you. I see your
effort. Keep going!" Encouragement means acknowledging progress — not just
rewarding achievement. So if your preschooler is struggling to fasten his snaps,
say, "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like
that. Let me do it."
There's a difference between praise and
encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person ("You did
it!" rather than "I'm proud of you!"). Praise can make a child feel that he's
only "good" if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand,
acknowledges the effort. "Tell me about your drawing. I see that you like
purple" is more helpful than saying, "That's the most beautiful picture I've
ever seen." Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure
to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the
praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will your child grow up
to feel good about himself.
